Pristiq 75mg, Lyrica 75mg, Lexapro 10mg. These are the pills that I have taken for 2 years. I have also tried Setraline, Brintellix and Wellbutrin. Is it helpful? I don't know, maybe it is, and that's why I'm still here. 

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I love my family, I love my cat, I love my partner, I love everyone that I've seen, but I just feel depressed. It's never because of anything. It's just here. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for 4? 5? years. I don't feel proud of it, but I told my psychologist, that I've been using depression as my idea to work on art. I know I could never get rid of it. Every night after saying good night to my mom, I start to cry and cry and cry inside my bed. Last night I have been thinking about how my funeral is gonna be. My photo would be me hugging my favourite doll, and everyone should come visit me with the doll, and put it around my photo before they leave. I hope everyone forget about me as soon as possible because I don't deserve anyone's tears.

I feel painful in most of the time. Sometimes the feeling changes to finding everything boring and meaningless, and stuck inside my tiny room. I became empty and I dislike everything I loved. Cakes, drawings, cats, and chocolates became air in my room.

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I controlled myself not to cut my hand because my partner world cry. I don't anyone to cry, so I ate all my thoughts into my stomach and turn them into tears. It's painful, it's tough, it's tiring, it's suffering, but no one knows. Even when you read this, you can't feel my pain. That's alright, I have my family and friends. I told this to myself everytime, and that's also what my family told me. But does it matter? Does it really help? I don't know, all I know is I have to deal it with my whole life alone, because no one understands it, and understanding doesn't help anything. I don't need help either.

-2022